Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.