Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

I can’t stop laughing at this

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

absolute chaos

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.