why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
You Might Also Like
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?