Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs