Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.