Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.