Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.