why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Sir!!
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord