why he move like a hotel transylvania character
You Might Also Like
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.