“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.