Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
THE DOG😭😭💀
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
When news reporters do sports stories
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Shortcut
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.