Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.