Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*