Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

This chloroform smells expensiv…

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

In space, no one can hear…

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds