Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Why is no one talking about this?!
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I can’t be the only one 😂
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?