Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You Might Also Like
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..