Why I divorced her.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.