Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.