Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof