Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’ve had relationships like this
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street