why I oughta
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So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.