Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
The legends were true
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.