Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
being a writer on Twitter:
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this