Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news