Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Cats are still liquid.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.