Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
this is a sign that you need a union
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.