Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
SONOFA
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Rooting for the overdog
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI