Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS