Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it