Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Whoops

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

dads on road-trips be like

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere