Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!