Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A French press is when you hug naked
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history