Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi