Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.