Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
🙄😏😂🤣
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.