Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.