Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
sometimes i miss this memes
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.