Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”![]()
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”