Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related