Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

If you know, you know

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Me irl

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

this made my day 😂

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws