Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.