Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty