Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.