Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.