WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.