WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…