WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
This meeting could have been a cake
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Why is everyone getting married at me
A short story of betrayal:
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.