WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
i want enemies
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.