WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Dishonest mechanic?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
But is it really??
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
That’s commitment
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance