Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Me driving through Toronto

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

I never needed anything more in my life