Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

what could possibly go wrong?

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.