Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
You Might Also Like
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: