Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Generation gap…
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
hey, alexa
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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.