Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They got a point!
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Does this dress make me look cat?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.