Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The most accurate map ever devised.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!