Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

OH. COME. ON.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”