Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.