Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.