Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government even made aliens boring

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

No regrets in 2018

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.