why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.