why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
⚰
So glad we cleared that up
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?