Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Damn he played himself

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.