why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
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if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?