why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
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My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”