Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I think about this a lot
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
the answer was staring at me all along
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*