Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.