Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.