Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”