Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
🤣
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Always the vampires
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us