Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’