Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
You Might Also Like
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
There are usually two types of merchants.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.