Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.