why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]