why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
do horses think humans are hats
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
(Jupiter –
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
What if all the cashiers are married?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time