why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?