why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Meow
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries