Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly